A close encounter of the veterinary kind

Higher costs, pharmacy competition, student debt and now this—the QuantumVET Tricorder Plus. One of countless products on display on the exhibit floor of the 2013 International Consumer Electronics Show Jan. 8-11 in Las Vegas, the device claims to be able to diagnose and treat pets via cell phone.

Extraterrestrial Technology, based in Honolulu, boasts guaranteed results by programming the brain of pets with “biodirectives.” The founder, known as “Dr. X,” says he’s experienced “telepathic instructions being received from a superior intelligence not of this world.” He believes he was groomed to develop a new medicine delivery system that treats with information rather than chemicals. Its slogan? “Don’t take me to the vet ... use QuantumVET!”

According to a company release, to use the QuantumVET Tricorder a client simply opens a portal with the purchase of a Portal Access Key or PAK via a cell phone or other digital device from the company’s website. Prices range from $30 for six PAK downloads to $100 for 30 PAK downloads. Data from the PAK teleports from the cell phone to the pet’s brain, where the QuantumVET accesses the pet’s neural network to diagnose the illness. The QuantumVET then accesses the necessary master programs to restore health. After repeated downloads during a five-day period—or once the pet’s symptoms have vanished—the pet is healed. Voila! The company’s website, www.quantummansite.com, claims that the firm can answer any questions regarding the implementation of quantum medicine.

Of course, if you want to skip alien diagnostics, you could ask your patients what’s troubling them. The Bowlingual Dog Voice Translator, a Japanese product similar to the technology imagined in the 2009 Pixar movie Up, can be purchased online for $279.99 and usually ships in seven to 10 days—just enough time to learn Japanese since the device does not translate dog language into English, just Japanese.