Top 8 nastiest things to clean at a veterinary practice

1. The employee refrigerator

Melted carrots, blue sandwiches, an orange … good God! What is that? It stinks, it's stomach turning and it's also remarkable … how come Velveeta cheese NEVER goes bad?

2. Anal gland juice on the walls or ceiling

Funny … I always thought that was part of the wallpaper pattern! And my heavens, look, there's some on the overhead lighting fixtures. If every American airliner flew as well as anal gland juice drops, we'd lead the world in aviation.

3. The employee bathroom

I'm not even sure I can finish typing this, but I'll do my best. Long strands of hair in the sink (you recognized the picture above was hair, right?). Splatters of sh … and it's on the seat! How is that possible? When they use the toilet, do they sit on it or hover over it like a UFO? And speaking of unidentified objects, is that old vomit? That … that … oh my … that might be blood. That's it. I tried. I'm outta here!

4. The maggot wound

Anyone, and I mean anyone, who is looking for a source of nightmares for the next 10 years, take a teaspoon of Pepto-Bismol, step up and take a look at this. There aren't a lot of things more horrific than a wound teeming with rolling, crawling, gurgling and chewing maggots. Ahhh! One got on my apron! Yikes! I think one touched my hair! I'd throw up, but the employee bathroom is such a mess …

5. The break room dining table

Is it covered with a tablecloth or flypaper? What on God's earth is making this thing so sticky?! I don't have to season my food. I can just roll it on the table surface and let it gather up whatever salt, pepper and hot sauce is lying on top. Hey, Pigpens! See that yellow thing on the sink? It's a sponge … you put water on it and … HOLY COW, how old is this sponge? It reeks! It's a wonder all of us aren't dead of food poisoning!

6. The welcome mat

It's designed to provide a cheery welcome to anyone who sets foot on it, but good luck seeing the words through the hair, grit and mud. Vacuum it for as long as you like, it'll be just as furry when you're finished as when you started. Did the carpet-service-cleaner people specifically design this thing to ensure a lifetime of work? And talk about an UNwelcome welcome. This thing puts the hell in hello.

7. Break room sink

Since we're taking a tour of the break room, might as well stop off at the mound of week-old dirty dishes left in the sink. This mess could make Louis Pasteur barf. Why do people insist on soaking a glass that just had water in it? What are they trying to soak off? Rust stains? Wash the damn glass!

8. What lurks behind the computer tower

It's pretty dark back here. I feel blowing heat. I think if I pull this out I can find a … Great Zeus, what is this? A stray cat or just enough fur to make one? What are these? Some of Marsha's goldfish crackers that I keep telling her not to eat up here? Oh that's disgusting! Well the good news is, we know where all my pens are.

Do you have a cleaning issue at your practice? How about a helpful solution that prevents you from having a cleaning issue? Please share in the comments below, or email them to firstline@advanstar.com. We'll pay $50 for every tip we publish!