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Where did I go wrong?


Other prizes will be awarded for dumbest question of the year and the coveted lifetime of stupidity award.

Will Mel O'Drama upstage Wanda Barf?

Mimic was crawling across the exam room floor yelling, "He does this. He does this." Actually, you wouldn't describe what he was doing as crawling. He was actually sitting down on the floor, but dragging himself along using his hands for propulsion. Yes, in an effort to show me how his puppy was behaving, he was "butt surfing" like a dog with an itch. It was quite a performance.

Watching it, I couldn't help but think that such theatrics should not go unrewarded.

So, in the tradition of the Oscar, Emmys and Tony awards, it is time for me to present the nominees for this year's Hokey Awards.

Please join me now for the fictitious awards ceremony. Imagine if you will a large theater filled to capacity with a crowd of several thousand excited drama fans. Along one side of the magnificent stage, there is a table with this year's Hokey Awards on display. By the end of the ceremony, each Hokey winner will have earned his or her award by virtue of an outstanding dramatic performance in a veterinary hospital.

A Hokey Award itself is not difficult to visualize. Just think of one of those joke items of fake dog poop that you can buy in a novelty store. Change the color from brown to gold, and you have an accurate mental image of the Hokey.

Be quiet now! The ceremony is about to begin. To the sound of thunderous applause, the master of ceremonies walks to center stage. It's me. Dressed in a rented tux, I looked pretty good (either that or the black coat and tails made me look like Mickey Mouse).

It is no wonder the crowd is excited. Many of them remember the controversy that developed last year when Mel O'Drama was presented the Hokey for Most Hysterical Phone Call. His performance titled, "My dog just passed a worm" narrowly beat Wanda Barf's presentation, "I think I saw a tick."

Now, just be patient! Before naming any of the winners, it is up to me to list the categories for this year's Hokeys.

First, there is the Hokey for outstanding performance in pet owner ventriloquism. This will go to the person who does the most ridiculous job of talking in a squeaky voice and pretending to speak for their cat or dog. (They do this because the pet cannot speak for itself. I usually find myself wishing that the owner couldn't speak either.)

Next, we have the award for exam room charades. This is the category in which Mr. Mimic was nominated. The winner will be the person who does the most laughable physical impersonation of his or her pet. (Butt surfing has a good chance of winning, but several clients who do good hairball imitations are in the running as well.)

The Hokey that I most look forward to each year is the vocalization award. This is presented to the person who, by howling, growling, barking or meowing, does the most irritating job of pet noise imitation.

Other prizes will be awarded for dumbest question of the year, worst client suggestion, and the coveted lifetime of stupidity award. (The lifetime award can only be presented to someone who has won four previous Hokeys.)

An impartial panel of experts selects nominees. (That's me.) Voting is done by me also. So, when I say, "May I have that envelope please?" I already have a pretty good idea of who the winner will be.

You won't see list of winners until next month. However, just to give you a hint, I have a pretty good idea that I am in the running for best host of an imaginary awards show.

Dr. Michael Obenski owns the Allentown Clinic for Cats in Allentown, Pa.

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