Mind Over Miller: Stuck in security


A poem on the joys of airport security.

I'm heading for a vet conference,

By air as you can see.

The security alarm that just went off

Was caused by my prosthetic knee.

A frightened patient, years ago

Slammed right into me.

She weighed several hundred pounds

And left me with a damaged knee.

This was long before these security checks,

Way back in seventy-eight.

Back before these terrorists made

It so strict at the airline gate.

I hope this won't take too long,

My flight is boarding now.

Go ahead! Pat me down!

I'll make the flight somehow.

I didn't mean to be so slow,

But these western boots are tight.

To get them off and in the tray

Took a long and strenuous fight.

Then I had to add those other things:

My pen, my watch, my phone,

My belt, my change, but not my knee

Where metal has replaced bone.

No, I don't mind you patting me down;

I understand the need.

Times have changed, there's danger now;

We can't let terrorists succeed.

I just wish a microchip

Was implanted beneath my skin.

To speed me through these security checks;

My driver's license is worn thin.

To verify my credit card,

Or help me cash a check,

I'd simply say, with a smile,

"Please just check my neck."

I want a chip beneath my skin;

We do it for cat and dog.

Why not me, I'm as valued

As a horse or cow or hog.

I don't worry about privacy;

I've got nothing to hide.

A chip would protect my identity;

I'd wear it glad, with pride.

I've never been arrested.

I've never hurt a soul.

I don't cheat on my taxes.

Integrity's my goal.

I wouldn't need a passport;

No more thumbs stained with ink.

To cash a check, I'd present my neck.

So much simpler, don't you think?

And when I get so old that I get lost,

And absent-mindedly roam.

My chip would help to locate me

And get me back to home.

Chips for all would help eliminate

The things that complicate.

Like crime and fraud and espionage;

Ah! He's letting me through the gate!

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